1. Be very impressed with yourself. Not everyone is a writer. Of those few who are writers, most are cockdicks and absolutely no one is better than you.
1. Use lots of adjectives.
2. Then take some out, but not too many. Adjectives are the fat of the land.
3. Never entirely relinquish the possibility of suicide.
4. The longer the sentence the better. Intelligent people think in long sentences, stupid people think in short ones.
5. Neil Gaiman looks like a huge douche
6. Never write in the English language. If you have to write in the English language - which is usually for money - try to write like a huge douche. Try to write like a "scintillating wordsmith" and an "expert literary critic". Try to sound like Hemingway.
7. Give love to the semicolon. Shit's all writer and stuff.
8. Cultivate hatred.
9. Grammar is for women.
10. If it's not political, it's not worth writing.
(Another "rules of writing fiction / how to be a great writer" cockfuck from Guardian coming right up, sir!)